02/11 – 11/11 –
Reading this now brings back a lot of disturbing memories. I feel so removed from this now, thankfully. I am so glad I wrote this down earlier as I don’t think I could recap it now as accurately. If you are going through this distress now my heart goes out to you but remember it is only temporary and like other problems that you have faced in your life – things do get more clear and better with each day. I hope my experience helps you!!
I found a lump during my 2nd trimester of pregnancy. It was tiny and at first we really didn’t think it was cancer. It was discovered because there was a larger cyst in the area above it and we thought it was just the cyst remnants that had shrunk to a pea-size. I found out in my 3rd trimester that it WAS cancer. The news shocked me to the point of disbelief. I was the shining example of health (or so I thought). I ate perfectly before and during my pregnancy. I wore my health proudly as I was a 43 year old woman having my first baby without intervention. My first trimester was a breeze. My biggest complaint was fatigue.
When I first heard of the diagnosis I thought the doctor made a mistake as he could not be talking about me! I told myself that my body was healthy and that it would take care of the problem. I was mystified as to how a healthy body contrived cancer. I felt betrayed. I had taking care of it so religiously – how did this happen? I cried in frustration. I did not know how much better I could eat, how many more vitamins I could take, how more spiritual I could become….how am I going to heal? I found nothing to soothe my frustration. I was at a loss and could hardly breathe.
I was trying everything to help me…from a medical intuitive, a psychic, meditation tapes to spiritual and healing books. I said my prayers and affirmations before I went to bed. I visualized healing. I hid my fears from my family as I didn’t want them to worry. I kept getting signs that everything would be alright…. but I wanted to know HOW. My inner guide did not provide me with that information. Looking back now I know I was DEMANDING my gut to give me answers and then falling back in frustration. Finally I was reminded of the challenges I have gotten through in the past and how I vowed never to be afraid again as I know that I am taken care of. I also remember thinking later how I wish I could have enjoyed my life more (been fully present) through the trauma instead of buckling in fear. I used this revelation to help me. I decided to live my life as if I already knew the outcome. ..as if I knew everything would turn out okay. I went through each day finally feeling free of the pending doom and with that was finally able to be fully present for my family and able to see more clearly to make the decisions that lie ahead. I could breathe! Meanwhile the phone was ringing off the hook with various cancer support personnel, doctors, friends, families, people offering me advice and support. I hated all of it. Each time the phone rang my body quivered. It was a conversation I didn’t feel like having, answers I didn’t have, words of reassurance I couldn’t speak, clubs, support groups I did not want to join. In my head I was living as if the cancer was gone. I could hardly (and still can’t) say the word. I did not own this disease. I was done with it. It had no place in my life. I resented people reminding me and looking at me with the pity. “Are you ok? Are you sure?” I did not want this role. I was always the one who had it all together. I then realized that maybe my job was to get through this and help pave the way for others. I knew I would beat it but I just didn’t know how.
I realized that I was dreading the birth of my son because once he was born I faced a big surgery that I knew I would not want to deal with soon after having a baby. They could not do the sentinel node biopsy while I was pregnant without potential harm to my son. I made the decision and asked to just have the lump removed and wait until the birth of my son to have the sentinel node biopsy. The medical doctors lead me to believe that I was good if the lump was removed and the cancer hadn’t spread to my lymph nodes. I knew I would reject radiation and Tamoxifen and was hoping they would never even mention chemotherapy. I knew I WOULD never, COULD never do that to my body. I also continued to research alternative therapies in case I needed them. I wanted to have a game plan ready if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. I felt that since the cancer was estrogen fed and I was pregnant and all estrogen – my body may not have a fighting chance.
The results of the lumpectomy were disturbing. It looked like the cancer was aggressive and had permeated the cell membranes which meant it could have spread anywhere not just the lymph nodes. The doctor then said that they may recommend chemo even if the lymph nodes are clear. With that news I fell apart. I crumbled. My biggest fear… which I now may have to face and protest loudly. No way would I allow toxic chemo into my bloodstream. I faced battling the doctors, my husband, my family, my friends by going against the recommended course of treatment. How can I do this with no plan? I needed a plan.
The more I researched the more frustrated I became. There so many alternative protocols. Most of which required you to admit yourself into a hospital across the country. I couldn’t picture myself doing that with a newborn. Other people left the country for alternative treatments. I couldn’t see how I would talk my husband into that. There was a lot of information about different substances you can take to get rid of cancer. That didn’t feel right to me as I was already a big vitamin taker. I couldn’t imagine that adding more was the answer for me. I remember giving up and getting frustrated with the amount of info and crazy protocols I found. I was cleaning up my email and wanted to just delete everything but something told me NOT to delete the Cancer Free Newsletter by Bill Henderson. I opened it and found a link to an article about a woman who is healing cancer. I went to the site and liked how open and honest she was. I liked how she explained exactly what she does and doesn’t do. I liked how she offered a free phone consult. I LOVED that she was in NY. I knew I could travel to NY if I had to.
After speaking with her I was even more reassured. She spent time talking to me and explaining the work that she does. I felt in my heart that I needed to see her because I knew that even if the cancer hadn’t spread to my lymph nodes….simply removing the lump doesn’t rid your body of the problem. I knew intuitively that I needed to get to the core of the issue – nutritionally, emotionally and spiritually. – in order to truly be healed and rid myself of this looming doom that it seems you carry with you all of your life. I could now “relax” until the birth of my baby boy.
All was going fine until the last few weeks of my pregnancy besides carrying an extra 32 lbs on my 100lb frame and pure exhaustion I began to develop a horrible rash all over my body – called PUPPPS. By the last week of my pregnancy the rash was red and inflamed and covered my body from my stomach to the back of my neck and arms and legs. I was itchy and miserable. I could not sit or sleep without ice to help with the pain and itching. Finally I went into labor but unfortunately despite my 23 hours of work I ended up in a c-section. During my stay in the hospital I was alerted to the fact that my white blood cell count was low and that they wanted to keep me to see if I needed a blood transfusion. Thank goodness that was not necessary but it did make me wonder what was going on in my body.
After going home with my beautiful 8lb 9oz baby boy (from my 105 lb frame!) I continued to feel awful. The rash began to subside but I was still itchy everywhere and felt so depleted especially when breastfeeding. Food did not seem help – I felt hunger and malnourished despite my efforts to eat healthy and take my supplements. I felt half alive and nothing close to my usual vibrant self. Everything I did took effort from getting up in the morning, changing my baby’s diaper, getting showered and dressed and the dread of going to bed just to start my tiring routine the next day.
I knew I had to find out what was going on with my blood work so I decided to do a phone consult with a blood chemist who deals with women’s issues and cancer. She reviewed my past 3 series of blood results and told me some alarming things. My body was stressed, my immune system was low, I showed signs of toxicity, I was absorbing my nutrients and was essentially malnourished. Her advice was to eat an exceptionally healthy diet, increase my supplements, do dry skin brushing, add electrolytes and take digestive aids and enzymes. She wanted me to think about my past and what toxin I could have been exposed to so that we could figure out a way to cleanse it from my body.
Swallowing even more vitamins than I was already taking didn’t feel right to me but I did as she advised to try to help my body get back to normal. I did start to feel better after eating and started to get my energy back. The itchiness subsided a little but was still there and making me crazy. I was also frustrated trying to think of what could be toxic in my body. I had taken such good care of my body, my home and environment when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 16 yrs ago. I had been living a “non-toxic” lifestyle in every way I could control. I couldn’t imagine what it could be.
I was talking to a friend about my phone consult and she asked if it was this woman in Langhorne, PA. She said her daughter-in-law and son go to her and she can tell what your allergies are as well as the toxins in your body. I was intrigued but felt slightly overwhelmed and didn’t want to jump into everything someone suggested. I finally contacted the nutrition center when I could not think of what the toxin in my body could be and when I didn’t hear from the blood chemist as far as what step to take next.
My appointment with Patricia at Advanced Nutrition in Langhorne, PA confirmed that my body was in a state of chaos. With the use of SpectraVision – Body Scan technology – she could read exactly what was going on from emotions, meridian imbalances, toxins, allergies and organ/system weaknesses. The biggest discovery was that I was allergic to many things with gluten being the worst culprit. The toxin in my body was fungus which caused parasites to thrive and grow. Both were competing for my food and contributing to my lack of absorption. As scary as it all sounded I was relieved to know what was going on and that there was something I could do to heal my body and this disease. My body was not healthy and that is how I was susceptible to disease. It wasn’t genetics or hormones that caused this problem but a state in my body that allowed it to happen. Cancer doesn’t just “happen” to healthy people. This gave me hope.
I diligently did the protocol she recommended which was to clear out my main toxin – fungus and by going on a Candida Diet, no sugar, no gluten and the other things my body was reacting to like nuts (a long list because my immune system was so taxed). I also greatly reduced my supplements because my body was not handling them well either. I felt much better in a week! The itchiness was gone and I was starting to feel alive again. I was well enough to tackle the sentinel node operation and everything that went along with it.
It was no surprise that the sentinel nodes came back positive. I didn’t really listen to the details as I already knew what I had to do. I immediately called Suzanne Clegg of www.spiritgate.com and arranged a session with her.